So Much Time Needed, So Little Time Available

The title of this entry may suggest that this is a moan about the amount work I currently have to do and you would, in part be right; however, school work only exacerbates the problems, rather than causing them.

Right now, my head needs a break, more so than at any time in the last 16 months of being ill, but yet, it simply isn't an option. Yes, there are AS-levels to pass, and yes that is an awful lot of work, and yes, I am struggling, but that is not the main problem here. The main issue is the fact that whenever I do try to stop and rest; my mind doesn't stop, and right now, I have no way of stopping it.

Anxiety attacks have gone from something which TV soap writers turn to when they've run out of plot lines to a worryingly large part of my life, in an even more worryingly short space of time. I need time to stand and stare but I currently find myself running to stand still. There could not have been a worse time for me to feel worse but yet, every time I consider throwing it all in something keeps pulling me back to life and I do everything possible to keep me on the straight and narrow, even this is supposed to help in some way.

Life could not be worse; but yet at the same time, it couldn't be better either. My mind is broken but maybe it's all my fault. I refer you something I've said several times since my diagnosis but it could also be my problem:

"Maybe I’m trying to rationalise the irrational. Maybe I’m trying to quantify in unquantifiable. Maybe my core belief that everything is rational and quantifiable is wrong."

It'll be rate